Whining Men?

I've been invited to participate in a panel discussion next week.  Part of the discussion will respond to an online video highlighting some important issues related to men's health and status in America's culture.  To view the video, go to the following link: Some Real Men's Issues.

I would like to hear others reactions to the video.

For me, I started off thinking about James Brown's "It's a Man's World" and ended feeling like maybe it isn't anymore.  In this post-Obama, pro-feminist, anti-hyper-masculine world that focuses on metrosexuals and man crushes, are the concerns expressed in the video simply of bunch of men whining about the world?  Or, is there some legitimacy to the real problems men face?

Since becoming middle aged myself, I am confronted with colon exams, fears about prostrate cancer, stress, job satisfaction, relationship worries, and anxieties about failing attempts at fatherhood.  In general, I feel confident about my accomplishments in life and can always see areas of needed improvement and strides that I need to make.  However, after watching the video, I was left with the real feeling that there are huge, herculean issues collectively men need to pay attention to related to what is means to a man.

Let's first start with my beefs with manhood. I'll call it concerns about hypermasculinity.  I am not saying that there aren't men out there who embody all the stereotypical, real men qualities without fail.  I believe those individuals are the exception and not the rule.  They have a place in our community and culture.  At the same, the professed über-strong, aggressive, hairy, and virile man reflective in the caveman motif is championed in the minds of some as the standard.

My problem with hypermasculinity is that the expectation to meet that standard does not allow for boys and men to be emotional, intelligent, reflective and introspective, caring toward others, and anything that is perceived as feminine. Repeatedly, I hear stories on the radio, online, and television images of boys and men that dominate our society telling men and women how boys and men should meet the standard.

The other extreme seems to focus on a super "feminized" standard that women reportedly love as best friend, harmless, non-aggressive push over who wants for nothing but the time and nonsexual affection of women.  These men are non-intrusive, ask for little, ideal for comforting women especially when feeling alone or need the attention of a heterosexual man without the hangups or unreasonable expectations of a romantic relationship. These stereotypical men are placed almost immediately in the friend zone.  BFF!

If I were a women based on the complaints I've commonly hear about insensitive, over confident, wanna-be-pimps, titty bitty in the pants kind of men, you know, I might prefer the super feminine example.  If true, considering the physical and sexual abuse women and girls report throughout history, I might be inclined to want this stereotype of the anti-man.

Neither of these stereotypes of men are accurate and they do not settle the issue of how to improve relationship between men and women let alone relationships among men as well.  I'd submit that the issues mentioned in the video actually have some validity.  There are some I had never seriously considered while there are others I simply do not agree with.  The good thing about the video is that it reminds men and women that we are neither without flaws nor invincible in a harsh world where we may be at greater vulnerability than we may allow us to consider.  It is a reminder that our concerns may need special attention and should not overshadow the needs of women and children.  I am reflective of how important it is to be mindful of my unique experiences as a man while also finding ways to share with others my fears, triumphs, failures, loves, wants, frustrations, and desires without consequence of social isolation and reputation for sounding like a typical man.  There needs to be a place in our society even with our concerns about political correctness to voice what is means to be man and respond to the needs of boys and men. It reminds me that we need to broaden our expectations about being a man across a spectrum that includes those who may identify as transgendered, asexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, and/or queer.

My hope is that when I participate on the panel others may find some agreement and saunter through the process to find a series of male models of manhood where boys and men can thrive. Any comments or feedback are appreciated.

The Question of Evil

Over the last several days, the media dove deep into the controversy involving Jerry Sandusky, the ex-football Assistant Coach at Penn State University, and charges of child sex abuse that led to the firing of two top university executives and legendary college football coach, Joe Paterno.

In an interview airing on NBC's Meet the Press, Columnist David Brooks said the crime cover up and presumptive sexual abuse was allowed because people are not "alert to what evil is."

My immediate reaction to the punditry was disappointment in Brooks' comments to call this simply an evil act by a bad man.  I think that it over simplifies the circumstances leading to the sexual abuse if Sandusky is found responsible legally. His comments also do not put squarely on Sandusky's shoulders the burden of responsibility along with a community of sordid and benign silence that allowed the abuse to continue for at least fifteen years.

By calling these acts evil, it puts the Devil, Satan, and Evil as the proprietor of bad behavior instead of pointing the finger at people who we once saw as heroes, legends, and holders of our cultural and moral compass.  It also ignores the disappointment we experience in learning that those we trusted and honored with our highest esteem have fallen short in ways that seem mystifying.

Then, when our society comes around to recognizing the wrong that is done, gives voice to those who have been silenced by the power brokers sitting comfortably around fine tables in the back rooms, the community lifts their voices in a large cry, fists raised, and hearts heavy.  We, the community of the wronged, are reminded of the sickness that invaded our homes, minds, and polite conversation about college football.  Some of us will try to make sense of it by calling it evil, the Devil's handiwork.

I'd disagree.

Indeed it is wrong, immoral, a fundamental injustice to those most vulnerable in our society; children sweet talked and beguiled by a man, flesh and blood, real to the core.  I doubt the Devil made Sandusky do it. He probably is very sick mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When the general public learns his story, they'll learn about a very troubled man.  I just don't think people care to really know what it takes to create a man like Jerry Sandusky. Another reaction would be for people to feel utterly overwhelmed by what they learn and some people's reaction will be to dumb it down and say, "See! I told you.  He was just evil."

We may learn that Jerry Sandusky is everything we want to believe and very much a person we have become accustomed to loving. My concern is that over a period of time when the lights go down, the cameras are turned off, and the attention of the media is directed toward the next celebrity marriage, somewhere in the shadows, right there in the back room of our community, there will be other Jerry Sanduskys of the world hoarding their private imaginary of morally disgusting fantasies with the off chance of sharing it with others. They secretly know their behavior is abhorrent and desire with everything left in their heart to be caught.

These pedophiles may be your brother, uncle, sister, parent, family friend, or long time acquaintance. I hope and pray that we each individually will not freeze as all those at Penn State did and really do something about it.  I fear one of the reasons that child sexual abuse continues is because the face of these individuals are all too familiar and look nothing like the evil we imagine in our hearts and minds.